I read with interest your recent feature High and sacred calling [The Tablet, 26 July]. My first point is to say to author Anne Inman that marriage preparation and in particular, preparation at Marriage Care here in Chelmsford, Essex has changed a bit in the past 44 years since she attended her course.
The article gave the impression that the parish-based courses are led by “catechising couples” who are not in touch with the reality of life today where perhaps only one of the couple is a practising Catholic. Within Marriage Care that is not the case.
Most couples we see have one “when I have the time” Catholic, 95 per cent live together, many have children and most have been sent on the course to "get the certificate". What they find when they arrive at their first Foccus session is a series of questions that probe deep into their relationship to make them really think beyond the wedding reception flowers and into the next 40 years.
In the follow-up sessions couples are challenged to talk to each other, with the help of a facilitator, about such diverse topics as: differences in goals and career plans, shared financial responsibility, over attachment to mobile phones/technology, substance abuse, the use of pornography and over emphasis on appearance; I could go on - but the point is marriage preparation is just that - time out to reflect on parts of their relationship that might otherwise get swept under the carpet only to be explored by a counsellor as the marriage begins to fall apart down the line.
Facilitators too are from the real world. I am a divorced Catholic, with all the pain that brings, but hope that I can bring to Marriage Care some insight into the importance of good communication and openness - both necessary to build a strong future together. Marriage Care does not wag fingers or point out "deficiencies" in a person's observance of Catholicism. It embraces and reaches out to everyone who attends the course and we have the support of our local clergy.
And importantly, it’s working. Recent government funded research amongst couples found that:
- Receiving marriage preparation was associated with positive changes in relationship quality or well-being, depending on the type of preparation attended;
- Attending promoted a positive change in the people’s attitudes towards accessing relationship support in future;
- Couple counselling and FOCCUS© marriage preparation were both found to be cost effective, providing substantially greater savings to society than they cost to deliver.
At every level, emotional and financial, marriage preparation today is a valuable asset in the healthy relationship tool box.
We at Chelmsford Marriage Care extend an open invitation to Anne Inman to see first hand what it looks like nearly half a century on from her first encounter...
Denise Doran, Chelmsford, Essex
Clifford Longley says that he shares Cardinal Muller’s view that “mercy” is not the answer to the Church’s problem in the area of Communion for those in second marriages [The Tablet, 9 August]. But surely the concept of mercy comes from Jesus’ refusal to exclude anyone from his table or his fellowship. You did not have to be holy or a keeper of the Law to sit at table with him because, in God’s kingdom, mercy takes the place of holiness. Asking parish priests to replace marriage tribunals would surely miss the point. Jesus would not have asked whether you were a sinner, or a person who had failed to keep a law, but whether you wanted to be in fellowship with him. This might be the area in which priests could help people in difficult personal situations.
Carol Kellas, south Croydon
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