I interviewed a cognitive anthropologist from Oxford University last week about the elevation of football fans’ salivary cortisol levels during matches. This certainly resonated with me: I’ve long had a strong sense that football’s been messing with my body chemistry. Cortisol is what you produce when your fight or flight response is triggered. So what my ancestors felt upon being menaced by an axe-wielding foe, is what I feel when West Brom are defending a one-goal lead in the fourth minute of injury time.

My anthropologist, Dr Martha Newson, measured fans’ cortisol levels by analysing saliva samples taken at different stages of matches. It’s a good job she didn’t come to me with her vial; my mouth is bone-dry with terror from 15 minutes before kick-off until a good hour after the final whistle. Many times I’ve tried to spit with rage during games but been quite unable to muster a drop.