Winding journey to wedlock

It is obvious that Catholic practice has come apart from Catholic theory with regard to sex, marriage and family life, particularly over the issue of cohabitation. Catholic Marriage Care’s official response to the lineamenta questionnaire circulated by the Vatican in advance of next year’s synod on family life says bluntly: “Nearly all couples attending our marriage preparation courses are already cohabiting, and many have children.” These are couples taking an official pre-marriage course, because they want to marry in the Catholic Church and can therefore be counted as more committed. It confirms what parish priests already know – that the couple asking to be married in church and not already living together is a rarity. They also know that beyond their doors are many baptised Catholics who are satisfied to live with a partner, even if they dream of marrying some time in the future.

In its own way, this is as big a challenge to the Catholic Church as the issues of contraception and divorce. They may be related: the teaching on contraception may have persuaded many Catholics that the Church has nothing useful to say to them on sexual ethics; and its hard line of refusing Holy Communion to the divorced and remarried may have scared some Catholics off Catholic marriage altogether. Indeed, research suggests that in society in general, one of the main factors leading to cohabitation is the subjective need to test the relationship before making a commitment. Given that Catholic marriage failures seem to be loaded with an extra penalty, Catholics may have good reason to be cautious. In that paradoxical sense, cohabitation is a tribute to the ideal.

Research suggests that the number of couples refusing to marry on ideological grounds, for instance because they reject marriage as patriarchal, is relatively small. Financial reasons count for far more – the cost of renting or buying a home means that two can live almost as cheaply as one, and because weddings are so costly a couple may prefer to save for a house.

The latest figures suggest nearly half the children born today will be from parents who are not married. But if that does not adequately describe their status, what does? The phrase “living in sin” refers to outdated social taboos. The popular concept of “common law marriage”, which has little basis in actual common law, suggests that society has ways of reinventing social structures when officially sanctioned shapes and forms are no longer felt to be appropriate.

It is a moot point, however, how far the Church can travel down that road. Pastorally, it has to start from where people are and nudge them towards better options – which should mean better relationships – one step at a time. So cohabitation is better than casual sex, marriage better than cohabitation. But are those who do not reach the final destination to be condemned as sinners, or can they be accepted – including to Holy Communion – as people on a journey who may need a bit of careful shepherding? Whatever the Catholic rule book says, that is the direction in which pastoral practice appears to be moving. If the synod next year is to be realistic, this is the reality it will have to embrace.