I have been reading this week about modern martyrs, and finding as I always do that the gospel they exemplify is the oddest and most unappealing thing. Experiencing some persistent ill health lately, I have discovered in myself an antipathy to suffering so profound that it has astonished and disconcerted me. Even though it is not life-threatening, I still find my fundamental reaction is one of total recoil: anything but this. Searching for a deeper response, I have returned to familiar stories of willing sacrifice with a sense of genuine shock.