Families, like the Church, should be havens for the broken

Bishops are preparing to debate what it means to be a family in today’s world. Despite questionnaires and discussion groups in some parishes, there's still a concern that the voice of Catholic husbands, wives and parents will go unheard. Here a mother of four sets out her vision of family shaped by God

Over the last couple of years I have been involved in analysing questionnaires sent in by members of my diocese and taken part in parish-level discussions in preparation for the Vatican’s Extraordinary Synod on the Family last October and the forthcoming Synod on the Family this autumn. I have been aware of recurring themes which need to be discussed openly.

It is apparent that families are experiencing pressure in many areas, mostly through external forces over which they have little control. Many people I have heard from cite materialism, consumerism, individualism, promiscuity, the media and peer pressure as opposing the Christian values by which they are trying to live, often leading to conflict between parents and children.

The Church is aware of this situation, but is critical of those who do not sufficiently espouse these values: “Living in such a world, under the pressures coming above all from the mass media, the faithful do not always remain immune from the obscuring of certain fundamental values nor set themselves up as the critical conscience of family culture,” Pope John Paul II wrote in Familiaris Consortio in 1981).

The anonymity of the questionnaires provided an opportunity for respondents to be truthful about their situations, without fear of recrimination. Problems with alcohol and drugs seem to be becoming a way of life for many. The needs of carers, often of young children and elderly parents simultaneously, were frequently expressed. Gay issues featured, with families often hurt by prevailing attitudes towards homosexuality. Families where there had been separation, divorce or remarriage experienced sadness, regret and loneliness.

In these situations, many families feel that they are failing and, possibly, that their brokenness is unacceptable to the Church. They may well try to cover up their pain and sense of failure. The church community, to whom they should be able to go for compassion and healing, may instead be a place of concealment and avoidance. Many families continue alone, dealing with intolerable pressures, often without the knowledge of close family and friends, because the problems are too painful and too private to disclose.
In this situation, it is crucial that the Church communicates, by its words and actions, that there is no such thing as a perfect family.

The core of the Gospel is that God loves us, despite our brokenness. Families need to understand that God loves and accepts them as they are. The Church itself needs to offer compassion and forgiveness and the spiritual and material help that is needed. At the same time, the Church needs to remind families of their innate blessedness and identity. Families are instruments of God and vehicles of His grace to each other, within the home. They are also instruments of growth and ministry within the Church. Even though they may be weakened by illness, divorce, economic hardship or addiction, they still have their own, unique ministry. As St John of the Cross observed, “God has so ordained things that we grow in faith only through the frail instrumentality of one another.”

Diana Russell lives in the diocese of Portsmouth and is the mother of four adult children. She wrote her MA dissertation on 'The Family – Living and Passing on the Faith'

Above: Very few laypeople, and even fewer married couples, attended the Vatican's Synod on the Family last October. Photo: CNS