(RUMINATIONS before addressing Christian teachers of Judaism.)
Why do you want to teach Judaism?
Why not?
My, you?re pretty advanced when you answer a question with another question! You?ve cottoned on to the way Judaism works ? check it out yourself in the Talmud.
How can I check it out myself? I haven?t got time to read through 20 volumes of Talmud. Why not tell a simple Catholic like me what a Jew has to believe to be Jewish?
Who knows?
Well, you must know ? you?re a rabbi, aren?t you?
Sure ? but there isn?t a creed, you see, and not that much theology. At least, if there is, I wasn?t taught it.
Why weren?t you taught it?
Because you only really need theology when you?re converting and Jews haven?t been converting much for the last two millennia.
Why not?
Many reasons. Some Jews think if Jews convert to Christianity they?re no longer Jews. What about a Jewish story (there?s always a Jewish story) to lighten the atmosphere? Three Jewish converts to Christianity meet outside a church and discuss the reasons for their conversion. ?I converted?, says the first, ?to hide from Hitler.? ?And I converted?, says the second, ?to join a restricted golf club.? ?I converted?, says the third proudly, ?because I believed in it.? ?What does he take us for ? gentiles?? whispers the second to the first.
I?m getting confused, you say. Who defines your faith?
Nobody, or so many that the result is the same. And they don?t define faith, only practice, like is this chicken kosher, or can you marry your uncle? You?re confused. Good, you?re getting there! I?m also confused but you get used to it. You know the old adage: two Jews, three opinions.
But surely they must all pray to the same God?
Why this ?surely? ? I?m beginning to think you don?t know Judaism as well as you purport? In my experience most Jews are pious loyal agnostics, whatever the theory. (Are Christians like that too?) But if they do pray, and I mean pray not chant, then the Orthodox, it is said, pray to the Rabbinische Oylom, and the Conservatives to Avinu SheBashamayim, and the Reform to the English version of that, our Father in Heaven (unless you?re a feminist, when it?s our Parent in Heaven), and the Reconstructionists ?To Whom It May Concern?. But the majority of Jews in this country don?t belong to any of them ? and a lot only belong because they want to be insured and buried. My mother couldn?t be bothered about believing. She wanted to live Reform and die Orthodox and for many years belonged to both until she couldn?t afford it.
I think I?m going out of my mind! A simple question then. Who is a Jew?
Simple? Whenever is a Jewish question simple? Your question is as convoluted as Irish politics. Traditionally you?re born a Jew if your mother is Jewish (who your mother is, is a matter of fact, but who your father is, is a matter of faith ? though the Bible has its own logic on this). But the American Reform think it?s all right if your father was Jewish and they hold that what counts is nurture not nature. Do many people want to become Jewish?
Sure, the number?s rising. Non-Jewish women like it especially, because its rituals turn a relationship into a marriage and house into a home and boy friends into providers who don?t patronise pubs. But many like it because there?s candles, traditions, heterosex (and homosex too in progressive circles), spicy foods, no devil, and most rabbis don?t present as many problems as priests.
Why not?
Because most Jews work out their own anthology of the past without benefit of clergy. This shift in authority is a modern development, but with pluralism and an open society it?s here to stay. Have you heard this one about Rabbi X? An old man snores right through his sermon. Well, Rabbi X?s feelings are hurt and he shakes the old boy to wake him up. ?You didn?t hear a word of my sermon?, he says. ?That shows how much I trust you?, replies the old boy sweetly.
And what attracts Jewish husbands to their convert wives?
Blond hair, blue eyes, and these wives are less demanding until they get the hang of their new matriarchal rights. They often know more than their Jewish partners.
My head is aching. I thought Judaism would be such an easy option: I would only have to remember some sweet festivals and I could fill in the rest with Christian fallout.
Don?t kid yourself! Another religion is really other, it isn?t just a footnote to your own. That?s why in my seminary we decided Christians should teach Christianity and Muslims should teach Islam. Their understanding would be better than our misunderstandings of both. And if you think you?ve got problems, imagine teaching the Catechism of the Catholic Church to my pious observant atheist/agnostic

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